I should've said something ages ago. It's probably extremely disconcerting to have someone making big rambling posts about having depression and then just have them vanish. It's inconsiderate. Amazingly that fact made this post harder to make. The guilt ate at me too much to even open the site.
Depression is stupid. It's not full of constructive, logical thoughts. Just in case anyone didn't know.
I'm sorry I turned into one of "those" creators. I always hated it when something I saw potential in was squandered, not because of technical issues or because the author just felt they didn't have more they could do with it, but because the creator just... Vanished leaving you wondering what happened. And yet that's exactly what I did.
I wish I could say I'm finally making this post because I'm recovering. Because I finally have the right medication, and I'm getting my head screwed back on straight, and I'll be able to make stuff again. Obviously I can't say that. I've been through 4 drug swaps and the only thing that has ever changed is the side effects.
I may, at least, be acclimating a bit. Over the last month or two I've started doing a little writing again. Not much, just like 3 page excerpts or intros to ideas. Nothing cohesive. Nothing particularly useful or all that interesting. But it's something.
I doubt anyone will read this. It's been far too long for this to be getting any traffic, but if you do, if you're still checking back here for some insane reason, I'm sorry I couldn't be worthy of that sort of attention. I'm sorry to everyone who checked for months and then gave up, and especially to anyone who was left worrying, even a little bit, for some random author on the internet.
I'm sorry it took so long for me to deliver the simple message of "I'm not dead. I didn't hurt myself." Well, not physically, emotionally I'm an expert at self destruction. Everyone needs their hobbies.
I can't promise that there'll be anything showing up here again. I'm nowhere near being in the state to work through the various iterations of my past projects to make them work again, even if I could reconnect with the exact "spirit" of the piece. I can't say that there's a good chance of me working on them again unless my depression being better managed really tunes up my quality of thought.
I dunno, maybe I'll turn this into just a boring, basic 'ole hack writer weblog for now. Throw up my random story fragments if anyone cares.
If, for some insane reason, you're reading this and got this far without leaving in irritation with my rambling, feel free to leave a comment about how you'd (not) like to see utterly random story fragments written with varying degrees of quality. Dunno why you would, but if you're here and you want something like that, it's the least I can do after... Everything.
I'm sorry.
As someone else who is getting through a similar situation, even if it's different to every one of us, all i can say is that it doesn't matter what others think about you. At times like these, we are our own worst enemy, pushing ourselves down, making little things matter way too much, or being hurtful to our own sanity and feelings, twisting what others had said and done, or making us remember the worst things that ever happened, and replaying it over and over until nothing good is left, filling us with sadness and regret.
ReplyDeleteIt's all a lie, it's all in our head. Good things happened in your life, there are people who care about you, and you did things that matter and left good impressions at others. Stop it. You fucking matter, ok? Be strong.
Hey, it is what it is. Just glad you're OK.
ReplyDeleteBeing able to turn out something, no matter how brief or unrelated or disconnected it is, is a good sign.
Keep at it, run with it, post it or don't. You don't owe anyone anything. The main thing is, let it be what it is and don't feel like you have to force it. There are no standards or demands to meet other than the ones you set for yourself. If it helps you, great! If not, don't worry about it.
And if it makes you feel any better, I still have a few projects "on my desk" that have been 90% complete since circa 1992. I never decided to stop working on them, and they're not abandoned - inspiration and life just sent me in other directions for a while.
But someday...
No worries. I don't check in often, never been that kind of person, but it's all cool. Thank you for deciding to say something.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're doing ok still. Was cleaning out my downloads folder and ran my copy of ghost princess and thought "Wonder how good ol' Melphy is doing."
ReplyDeleteNow I know. :D
While, I'm just a stranger on the Internet, I want you to know that the story I'm writing is partly your fault. If you're interested in knowing more, just tag me at my username @gmail and I'll get you a sneak peak.
Also, feel free to use the same address if you just want someone to talk to/vent at/provide a distraction. Sometimes an anonymous stranger is what you need because you won't care what they think. XD
Yes, it was extremely disconcerting, you meanie. ;A;
ReplyDeleteYou were gone for over a year, and you have always been somebody I look forward to seeing. This may be at odds with the post above, I think it does matter what others think about you; there are (evidently) many of us who care a great deal about you, and when you're in the throes of sorrow it's probably a harder pill to swallow than any of the drugs. I struggle with depression, too. The drugs take the edge off, but it lingers, and while it's not the sort of thing that goes away in a day, it is certainly something that you can overcome.
Please, reach out to any of us. We miss you, Melphi.
-KS
Depression's a killer. Been there, still there. Hoping you're still not dead.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to say that can help, except maybe that I stumbled upon Pleasures of the Knight here in 2020 and I was completely captivated by the writing despite it being not my fetish at all.
ReplyDeleteHope you've been better since this post was made. Virtual hug, from across the digital ether.
in 2022 came back to see if there was an update, and redownload it to replay....Damn fine work! hope your surviving these difficult times
ReplyDeletei only discovered you recently, but i tend to be a lot more sensetive to stumbling across this kind of thing. I'm very sentimental and easily emotional, so even for a person i haven't seen before, something like this gets me whistful.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, i just want to say i hope you're okay, and your games and stories and creative works have made hundreds of people happy, and no matter what, even if you don't continue writing, you'll have had a positive impact on loads of people.
And if you do someday return, than that impact will grow even greater.
I hope that you're doing well, and please feel free to reply if you still check this, i'd be happy to help you with ranting/venting/anything you'd like ^-^
Hey, Melphy ! It's Sensate, i've been struggling with my own depression for years (as iut's turns out)? and now i'm finally able to write to you. I really, really hope that you're still alive, and i must say that i still replay your games. Take care.
ReplyDeleteGlad you’re enjoying okay. I’m a huge fan of your work! I hope you’re doing well, and if you ever get back to writing or game creation - you have fans!
ReplyDelete