LIFE

I've been meaning to make this post for a few weeks.  Actually, probably about a month.  The short bullet points are:

- As I believe I mentioned previously, my neurochemical imbalance, colloquially referred to as "depression," has decided it really doesn't like behaving itself despite the rather substantial regimen of drugs I've been on for the last year or so, so my functionality as a human being has been substantially decreased.

- Due to above, work on the mini-project is currently on hiatus, because, while I was willing to let Pleasures slide a little, nowhere near this much, so my functional "work" time will be going there.

- I have less "functional" time in general so things will probably still be slow, I'm sorry.  It's about two months until I can get to a psychiatrist, and probably at least 1+ months after that before I can hope to really get my head screwed back on straight, so while it should be better than it has been since New Years, productivity may remain kind, ahem, depressed for a while.

Boom!  That's everything you need to know.  Now, a bit below here I'm going to get all Live Journal on us and go over the events that finally lead to me getting up the energy to put this together, because I'll find it cathartic.

I'd recommend not reading it, though.  Ultimately, I am here as an entertainer, and I doubt hearing (or reading) me go on about how much my life sucks blah blah blah will be that entertaining.  Unless you just happen to like my word choice or something.





Still here?  Well, okay then.


I'm currently rather upset.  A frustrated sort of upset, which honestly is almost a plus.  These days it can be nice to be angry because it makes things different.  Because you feel something.  This all started about last Saturday, when I realized that I hadn't left the house since the previous Monday.  I see my therapist on alternate Mondays.  Joy.  So I figured, I should get out of the house, go on a little walk, sit down to eat somewhere, just...  Be exposed to the outside world a bit.  I hear that's sometimes good for my particular condition.  So I decided I'd go out Monday.

[SPOILER ALERT] Fun fact!  I got out of the house today for the first time (not including a little jaunt across the courtyard to do my laundry).  How so?  Ah, let us read on (if we are so foolish) and discover!

I did not, in fact, get out of the house on Monday.  Didn't have the energy.  I convinced myself to get out of bed...  And then when I started to get a rash from failing to get out of the bath that pushed me onwards and then...  Well if you forced me to make a list of what I did on Monday, there'd be some video games interspersed with "Stared ineffectually at computer screen" or "Closed eyes stressed out as suddenly felt on the verge of crying."  My depression is cute like that, the feeling drained comes standard, obviously, but a lot of the time it doesn't really make me feel sad, per se, instead it gives me the very physical impact of being close to tears.  I highly recommend it to people who enjoy being uncomfortable and stressed!  IE: Almost no one.

But okay, I'm accustomed to having to give up on my plans for a day because I failed to become a semi-functional human being until 5 in the evening.  I figured, tomorrow, I'd feel better, maybe get some more sleep (getting like 10 hours helps sometimes.  If I can actually remain unconscious that long.  There's a coin flip.  And a half), and...  Feel extra miserable.  Got up, even out of the bath way earlier!  So successful!  And then...  Nothing.  Really nothing.  Sit in front of computer.  Open web page.  Pause.  Read web page.  Take half an hour to read not especially long web page.  Open game.  Play game for five minutes.  Become disinterested in game.  Repeat.

Being already a bit angry it's really super frustrating looking at my days laid out like that, seeing them just wasting away in retrospect.

But hey!  It's fine, I'll take a double dose of my sleeping pills (I have occasional intense insomnia.  My previous psychiatrist tossed some mild ones at me just because smoothing out my sleep schedule is good, obviously), and I'll be better rested and ready to take on...

Did you sett that parenthetical about intense insomnia?  Yeah, when it peaks sleeping pills are meaningless.  Honestly, I hadn't had any issues with it in like 3 months.  Depression was king of the house, and unreasonable amounts of energy could get wrecked!...  Or not.  With the double dose of sleeping drugs I got an astonishing... Four hours of sleep!  And, this may surprise you, while getting lots of sleep sometimes helps mitigate my issues, you know what getting almost nooooooo sleep does?

Intersperses your dismal day with half hour segments of thinking about whether or not the pain of cutting yourself would be a pleasant distraction.

To be entirely serious for a moment, I do not, in fact, cut myself or anything of the sort.  Over the course of, functionally, 4 (not entirely consecutive) years of dealing with depression, only twice have I ever even came close, and in both cases I more just kind of scratched myself...  Or, well, in one of them, gave myself a slight friction burn.  My depression likes to stress me out by reminding me of ways to make it go away, as it were, but it turns out that, so far, I'm too smart/together/whatever to find that persuasive.

So write Wednesday off.  Lost cause.  Worst day in weeks.

Today, though, I felt...  Oooookay.  Still got gypped a little sleep, but not enough to make me excessively dysfunctional.  Managed to get out, just sort of...  Relax out, chill on my computer, honestly a lot of the same "Webpage, whatever..." stuff as usual but more engaged and just...  More exposed to other surroundings rather than sitting in a corner of my studio where I've sat day after day with depression kicking my ass.  Changing seating location can have an overall positive effect.

Though, annoyingly, even having a nice day out is pretty draining.  Feeling pleasant and normal takes effort even when I don't notice it, so when I got ready to leave I just felt kind of...  Eh, tapped out.  It's not a horrible feeling, it's just, I mean, I'm sure everyone feels that "Whelp, done everything productive I'm going to do today, better just relax a bit and then go to bed." (Partially because, and this is sadly true, having a good day out is set about with little pangs of anxiety about "What if I stop being functional and have a break down now?" and the last thing I want to add to my pile of nonsense is some mutant form of agoraphobia, so I need to cut that crap out right now.)

Aha!  You may ask, if I am so drained, however am I managing this?

Well funny story.

A very slight bit of context: I don't drive.  No car, nothin'.  No driving.  No big deal, though, basically anything I want is within a 2 mile walk, and I can almost always use the exercise.  (Despite the lack, I've been losing a decent bit of weight lately.  Hell, I can't even wear some of my looser pants without a belt period.  So at least I don't have body image issues to worry about.  Of course, the fact that it's a result of making food being too much of a pain in the ass to do sometimes likely makes that bad, but hey, fuck it, silver linings and all that)

So, I get packed up, ready to head home in the evening and discover...  TA DA!  It's raining.  Good news!  It's not raining super hard, like not "Step outside and get drenched."  Bad news!  The rain is cold as hell, and is stiff enough it almost feels like sleet, AND is being blown, by the wind, straight into your face because obviously the wind is coming from the direction you want to walk because that's how your evening is going now fuck you.

No, world, fuck you.

Oh, also, some genius decided to take the umbrella out of the bottom of my bag.  And whoever they are, they are an asshole.  (Yes it was me.  I'm trying to make this at least a little amusing.  Laugh, damn it.) (And now on today's episode of: How to tell someone is trying too god damn hard.)

So, obviously, making the walk home is a highly undesirable activity.  Howeverrrrr I have a back up system!  The bus line!  Ah the magic of civilization.

Of course, civilization is generally a bit of a dick.  I'm sure you've all noticed.  But what it comes down to is the only bus that heads from where all the stuff worth doing is back towards my place isn't one in especially high demand and therefore has laaaaarge gaps in its schedule.  But hey, standing with my back to the wind rather than walking into it is an improvement, right?

Well, actually, yes.  And the ten or fifteen minutes I spent standing there was less time than it would've taken to walk home, but I can't recommend it anyways.  Also, my jacket was waaaayyy too light to not be moving to get some of that 'ole body heat going so I'm still feeling that wonderful chilled to the bone feeling riiiiight now!  Discomfort is just my FAVORITE these days.  Or at least it better be.  Otherwise I might be seriously unhappy.

Oh also a block and a half from my complex the bus had a five minute layover because, and I may have mentioned this previously, fuck you.

And so here I am.  Frustrated with the day, with the world, with the continued rotation of the planet and water cycle that creates rain, with just...  That abstract "everything," where you couldn't point to many things particular and go "That, that right there is what is frustrating me," but you could wave your hands, and look upon all you survey and go "This is frustrating me."  And, as it turns out, as a bonus, frustrated with myself for going weeks without really getting anything done.  And not just in terms of writing, just in terms of...  Anything.

Hell, "I designed a character and got pretty far in [Salt and Sanctuary/Dark Souls/Insert Reasonably Challenging Game With Character Customization Here (actually please do, my computer won't run DSIII, I've very much completed DS, and I've started to go full gimmick with my DSII builds [My last full run was double Smelter Swords.  Somehow this rather petite, yet ripped, lady in a sorceress tube top and slit dress turned out to be one of the most ungodly powerful characters I've ever made.  Like she just walked through stuff I tend to have trouble with.  Also pretty explosions])] today" is something I feel moderately satisfied with at the end of the day because at least I can point to something and say "I spent X hours doing that, I accomplished something."  "Something that matters?"  "It was something and that is what matters, overly judgy person who has somehow invaded my rant."

And it turns out a high enough level of disgust, personal and otherwise, and semi furious dissatisfaction is functional motivation to actually do something.  In this particular case vent about my recent experiences for like 1.6 k words (...  Man that would've been a passage or three if I'd been doing something more constructive with this...).

And really, ultimately, that's probably what this is, venting, expelling some of the bile so as to reach catharsis.  I don't talk to people much (See: "Suddenly noticed hadn't left house in almost a week.") and when I do I certainly don't tell them about this sort of thing.  Hell, so long as non-family members who know me "In the real lives" are aware I've got nothing unusual going on.  So here, on my most professional publishing weblog ever, I'm apparently just throwing some of my negativity at the screen and hitting the post button because I have problems.

And if you're reading this: Jeez, at least whatever my problems are they can't be as bad as yours.  Who'd voluntarily go through all of that?  I do know a pretty good psychologist if you feel you need the help.

- Melphiess Vice

Public Update!

Just going to rattle this off quick.  Few extra passages connecting the content that already was there to the bathing area, filling in the gaps, the missing oral scene, few other things.  Not huge.  Meant to have this up earlier for you guys but...  Well if you want to hear about it I'm burying it at the bottom because personal drama.

Now, secondarily, the next update is going to take a bit longer.  For generic winter holiday #287 I'm throwing together sort of a mini-game for my patrons (...  And you guys eventually, I'm not 100% sure how I want to handle these, probably make the patrons decide if they want to share or be greedy =P.  I mean, eventually I intend to release everything for everyone, but the time window might shift a lot) so PotK isn't seeing as much work (though I've completely finished the intro to the other thing [It's actually mentioned as an idea on my Patreon page, since I'd been thinking of putting it together for ages] so hopefully the next part will go smoothly).  Still, trying to stay on top of everything while job hunting and w/e.


2.6.1 is riiiight here.











Below the burial line:

As anyone who has been around here for a long time might know, I suffer from some good 'ole depression.  Whoo.  Anywho, due to a confluence of events, and moving, and then a vacation thrown in for good measure (gotta see the folks, it's generic wintermas after all) I was off my meds for a few days.  Couldn't get refills.  Holy crap.  -10/10 would not recommend.  Finally got my head chemically screwed on straight again, but I had a long stop over at dysfunction junction.  Sorry.

Other people's lifespans are deeply inconsiderate

Sorry for being a bit quiet, got dragged across country to attend a funeral, theoretically close relative, though I was less attached than some.  Still, big part of the family, needed to be there for people, and, well, since I don't really drive or anything, my transport situation got exciting.  Do not recommend.

Still, I'm back now, Patrons should be seeing an update within the next couple days, the rest of you...  Uh, will see it like a week after that.  Because that's just how we do.

Also, somehow, during my radio silence I managed to acquire another patron.  Which is really sweet.  And I'll probably stop bringing this up every time it happens once it stops being novel.  Which will be never so you'll just have to deal with me being happy to have people's support.  Financial or otherwise.

I LIVE!

Run coward.  Run Run.[/Sinestar]

Okay, quick update: You know how I said I was running out of money?  Yeah, so that's a thing, so I got to move home for a bit!  Yaaaaayyy e_e.

Now, that wouldn't've been a big deal (other than having to be careful about people reading over my shoulder) except my parents were also moving shortly so basically all of my possessions stayed in packing boxes and there wasn't any internet for a while because of something about bill timing or whatever.

And then I got settled in at like...  My parent's small vacation home thing?  But that was hardly set up for a lot of long term habitation so, see net and services on the fritz for a bit (though my mom had quite enough of that while the new place they're moving into gets sorted.

Of course, I'm still living out of boxes because I may be moving back into my own place (well, a different my own place) within a month or so (ARGH LIFE TORNADO WHYYY!?).  So that's...  Mostly good.

And you may say "Hey, if you've been online some, why didn't you call?" (because you're now a stereotypical mother, not sure how that happened), and the simple fact of the matter was, being so behind with stuff I'll admit I was a little embarrassed to show my face.  On my own weblog. I may have issues.

However, I didn't completely abandon writing in the mean time...  I diiiiid end up having to kind of sort of abandon working on my already existing projects because all of my writing/archives for them are online, so if online isn't be co-operative I run the risk of either suddenly losing my ability to edit things, flat out not being able to get what I was working on last, or, and this is the main reason: Finding out what I archived didn't actually archive because while my computer thought it worked I wasn't actually online at the time so it didn't make it to the "cloud" or whatever we care to call it these days.

So, do I have any writing worth showing you, you don't ask, but I'm going to pretend you asked.  The answer to that question I just shoved in your mouth is, actually...  Yes, sort of.

You can click RIGHT HERE to read through the prologue of something I was just randomly working on (everything else is story fragments for the book[s] I'm totally going to write one of these days.  Definitely.), and who knows, if people really like it maybe it'll get less randomly and more actively worked on.

Also this is a very special update just for you people who are, for some insane reason, still checking this site.  Go you!  Everyone else gets to wait until I do the last passage or two on the PotK update and hit up the usual forum suspects to discover that I'm alive.

As such this update is for strictly my own self esteem and naught else because who the heck would still be checking this after almost half a year?